A Bad Man in a Bad Place

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I’ve seen several sex scandal tapes - this woman or that woman who made a private video and then it was “stolen” after which, well, you know the rest (fame and fortune ensues, mainly).

I’d like once, just once, one of the women that this happens to to let it happen knowingly and to embed, part of the way through, a message to the viewership that it’s ok to have sex, it’s a fine thing to enjoy it, that so what if she’s naked - it’s just a body, and yeah she’s having more fun than you.

I can’t think of any actress alive who could pull that off right now, but I live in hope. Turn the tables, you know? “As you sit home and jerk off to me, I’m here having wave after wave of orgasm and there’s not a damn thing wrong with what I’m doing, why are you off by yourself?”

If there are any celebrity actresses who want to do that and need a partner to shoot footage and fuck them at the same time, I’m here for you, incidentally.

UPDATE:  I should point out that this refers to celebrity tapes only, not the vengeful exboyfriend type.

For anyone that wondered if Lex and Les’s life was the way that they described it, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that I witnessed it firsthand tonight. And they witnessed firsthand how I live, although they’ve done it before, as I have witnessed theirs. They are some of my favorite friends. The girl that showed up with them was very cute, had the kind of breasts you want to motorboat, and on and on. But it’s their story, not mine. I have hard limits about what I’m comfortable with regarding the women that show up with friends of mine. Suffice it to say that a good time was had by all.

• I have such a crush on @adrianadeleo - I admit it here for my (small) twitter following to hear. #
• @viviane212 It’s nice to be back, since I’m in a Bad Place once again. Thanks for noticing :) #
• @viviane212 I appreciate the offer, but I’ve got plans elsewhere tomorrow night. #
• 2008-07-01 twitter updates:
  What amazes me is how much persistence there is online. My account st.. http://tinyurl.com/5urflx #
• Out of Practice?: Tonight, out with a girl with whom I’d been set up. Fine time, split the c.. http://tinyurl.com/62mvfm #
• I was recently asked by a woman with a very large chest whether I was a breat or an ass man.  I to.. http://tinyurl.com/6465dx #
• Why am I so full of myself?: In the comments to the last post, Cassie asks:
  Yay! Finally a post th.. http://tinyurl.com/5e736v #
• I’ve never been to an orgy.  In my imagination they look like this.  In reality, I understand, way.. http://tinyurl.com/6qbtga #

In the comments to the last post, Cassie asks:

Yay! Finally a post that doesn’t involve a bunch of whingey whiney crap about pseudonymity and outing and ‘what does this blog mean’ the way you talk about anonymity makes it sound like you very well might be Brad Pitt, living some kind of secret life away from Angelina and the kids. Why are you sooooo worried? the question im asking is who are you so worried about being outed to?

[my god, are you secretly Mayor Bloomberg or something?]

In the immortal words of Michael Keaton, I’m Batman.

Kidding, obviously. Pseudonymity was a big issue for me last year for several reasons.

1. The sex life that I write about here is graphic, and not particularly vanilla. I was less concerned when I was just a pickup blogger. When I started to delve into the sex aspects, then BDSM, I was (and remain) concerned about people’s reactions. It’s still a Puritan country over here. Well, more Victorian than Puritan, but still.
2. I have a career to think about - I’m reasonably successful at my day job and would like to stay that way.
3. I want to eventually get married and have kids and do all of that sort of thing and it does impinge on my ability to date when women come in some way other than the blog and find out not only am I a sex blogger, but I’m also THIS sex blogger
4. I’m at a new grad school and their image of me is not one that involves my being a Lothario
5. One of my classmates, upon my mention of knowing several people in the adult industry said “I know you do. I know who you are.” I’m pretty sure he was sleeping with another sex blogger at the time, but I’m not positive.
6. There was some serious drama in the sex blogging community at the beginning of this year that I was part of by extension, and I don’t want my real identity being associated with that kind of stupidity.
7. I watched what happened to Abby Lee and most recently saw her article on being done with British men because either they are afraid to date the mysterious Girl or they WANT to date the mysterious Girl and either way is a less than ideal way to meet someone.
8. I also wrote a paper on the subject for school.

So there are my reasons. And I’m not Batman. I’m Elliot Spitzer.

No, I’m not him either.

And while I’d like to say “in other news” and have there be some other news, outside of last nights proffered cheek, I got nothin’. But do say hi. The fact that Cassie and Lili said hi already made me smile.

Top ten reasons I’ve come back:

1. The outside chance that I’ll find an intern who wants to both take dictation and suck dick (not to mention do it all whilst leashed)
2. I have a disturbingly compelling writing habit
3. As Axe found out on the other side of the axis, it’s not easy finding deviant women
4. My therapist pointed out that I’m a writer and I don’t have a choice but to write, and that there are far worse compulsions to have
5. I have extremely attractive submissive readers who like to send me naked pictures of themselves. This always makes my day. (HINT HINT)
6. There just aren’t very many male adult bloggers out there, so I need to represent
7. I’m in a Bad Place again - I’ve started dating but I keep having interview-dates, where you sit and talk and “get to know each other” which really means resume examination. Yuck.
8. When I get confused by life I blog about it and it helps me sort things out
9. It’s summer and skirts are short and my hormones are running riot and
10. I missed you guys.

So. I’m back. I left before because I’d run out of things to say, not because I hated you or missed you or anything. But do join the conversation. Read the archives and comment on them. I’m just glad to see you here.

And to answer the inevitable questions, yes, I’ve tried several of the online dating sites and haven’t been particularly taken with the women I’ve seen there. I’m meeting women through friends, at parties, on the street, etc etc etc and it’s just taking some time to get my dating-legs back.

Also, I’m available for freelance web gigs, and creative strategy gigs, and to run your porn sites. It’s been a pretty quite summer work-wise, so what the heck. Email me if you’ve got anything.

Tonight, out with a girl with whom I’d been set up. Fine time, split the check, cheek proffered, although she was bright eyed about getting together again.

Am I rusty, disinterested, or was it that I told her the transvestite model at B-Bar story and she lives on the Upper East Side? [Could it be all three? -Ed Hmm... could be.]

• What amazes me is how much persistence there is online. My account still exists here and Facebook, although my tumblog is gone. #
• Not Ugly: Ruminations on being somewhere between not ugly and attractive. http://tinyurl.com/6hdxty #
• This looks a fair bit like my trip to LA.  And why I want to move there. http://tinyurl.com/5ee9ow #

Back in the days of the Nerve Boards, I befriended a woman who went by the nickname StarryNight (and honey, if you’re reading, email me, eh?)

She described herself, when we discussed it, as “Not Ugly.”  Her picture belied this, she was more than not ugly, she was downright beautiful.  I wondered why she said that she was not ugly, and she told me that only assholes pursue women because of how they look.  I was taken aback, at age 24, ranking women by a scale of 1-10, and being your typical 20-something brat.

I got over that as I got older, and the women I dated were all over the map.  They all had one thing in common, though, which is that I liked them as people.

When people ask how I get away with what I get away with, and make no mistake, I “get away” with a lot, the reason, I tell them, is that I’m not ugly.  I’m nowhere near as attractive as Starry Night was, but I understand her point now.

When I was in bed with a woman awhile ago and she told me how hot I was, I got really uncomfortable.  I’m sure it was meant as dirty talk and as a compliment, but at that moment, I felt like such a piece of meat that it really didn’t help the mood.  No matter how good looking I am or am not, what is inside me is what matters and that, right now, is a bit screwed up.

I think what I’m saying is two different things.  I’ve come back here because I am in a new and entirely different Bad Place, and when they say beauty is skin deep, it’s true.  Beware of too many compliments, they’re difficult on the people who receive them.

Note - I’m not Brad Pitt by any stretch, but my results may not be replicable by all audience members because I am Not Ugly.

I’ve heard “I’ve got a boyfriend” and “I’ve just started seeing someone” this week.  I’m clearly out of practice.  I’m sure that they have got them, but the rapidity with which they each said it suggests that I’m pushing WAY too hard too early on.

Of course, one of my friends pointed out to me that if I’m in a position where I’m worried about getting rejected by three different women in one weekend, perhaps I’m doing better than I thought, insofar as that means that there are three different women considering me.

It’s hard to explain to people without revealing this identity.  Lex and I discussed the whole question of how to deal with the fact that most of my friends still don’t know about this despite my whinging about outing and pseudonymity and such.  No good answer to that.  Other than that I have a compulsion to do this and I’m giving in to my compulsions.

Meanwhile, I’d preemptively rejected one of the “I’ve got a boyfriends” but that’s not the point.

By way of update, The Writer and I are no more. As I’m sure was obvious from my last post on preemptive rejection.

In fact, I’m currently alone in the world, and feeling that way. Perhaps that’s what drew me back here?

Chet and I were talking about the fact that dating means, to us at least, living up to certain expectations. I’m not in a place right now where I feel I can meet those obligations, and as such I’ve been preemptively rejecting anyone who’s shown interest in me. The girl at the bar whose cousin told me to compliment her eyes and she’d go home with me - preemptively rejected. The cute girl I was talking to on the train - preemptively rejected.

This blog’s been through a lot of different iterations, starting with 25 year old manchild trying to find his way in the world and being afraid of women, through the late twenties of feeling out what it’s like to be a player, and then into S&M. I worry a lot about this site, both that my anonymity is not as well maintained as I’d like, and I wonder what the reaction of the women that I affectionally call “civilians” - those not in the blogging world - will be to finding out about this site. When the New Yorker found out about it, it sparked a fight between us.

I’ve become more shy, more reserved, and more internal lately. I’ve gotten a bit of therapy, but that’s a journey, not a step.

I don’t know what’s coming here, and I don’t know what I want. I just know that all life is change, and that’ll be reflected here if I pick writing back up.

If you came for the S&M, you’re likely to be disappointed. If you came for graphic gratuitous sex, there are plenty of other better blogs for that.

If you’re here to follow the story, or you’re interested, or for reasons that I haven’t yet figured out, well, welcome. I don’t know if I’m back or I’m just blogging my way through a mental sticking point, but I’ve started to feel the writing coming back, and I am nothing if not indulgent in my writing.

I hope you’ve been well while I’ve been away. Hope you’re doing well still.